Hi all, *PLEASE READ:)*
Today I made this blog,
It was intentionally made to express my feeling,
however I hope that this blog may help some’one’ or maybe even some’people’ to also help them to open up about almost anything really.
so. here I go.
has anyone ever called you stupid before?
I will start off by explaining my past (not explaining ‘my story’, this would be an inaccurate word to use as I believe I am too young to have a ‘story’ this is more of an unpleasant experience).
Since I was just a little toddler I have always been close to my family-this is one of the things that I honestly like about myself, I’m always there for them no matter what happens-as I’m sure many of you are too. When I started year 7 ( I think that this is equivalent to the sixth grade in America? comment below if I am wrong) anyway, I used to hate life in high school, everyday was such a contrast in comparison to my days spent sharpening pencils for my groovy chic pencil-case. The school has 1000 students, surprisingly I would say over a third of these pupils take some type of drug. Luckily for me I live considerably close to the school making it a brisk 5 minutes walk-actually, probably 10 after pushing my way through the stamped of madness, I don’t see how in any way it seems convenient to them to run down the corridor. When I reached year 8 I was so scared of going into school my mum had no option but to keep me at home, she rang up the school consecutively until it became suspicious to the point where I had to get help. Later on I was diagnosed with ‘Anxiety’. Now before this word became such a big deal in my life I assumed that this was a word to describe when somebody simply got nervous… which really it kind of is. The real definition: ‘a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome’ everybody has ‘Anxiety’ it just depends on the certain extent to which you have it. It was as if I was trapped between a rock and a hard place, there was no escape to the never-ending negative thoughts, I felt like I had to pick out all the possible bad outcomes of something which would happen to make me prepared for the moment, but what I soon released is that I could never know the certain outcome of anything. As my illness became a nightmare, rapidly climbing its way up the anxiety scale, I felt SO isolated, I had no education, I had no contact from the school but my councilor sent them a letter to explain the circumstances just in case they were a tad concerned about their missing student-It was outside of school so I guess why does it matter to them anyway? I remember near the end of my counseling sessions the word ‘school’ crept up on me a lot, I nearly teared up at one time, as stupid as that sounds, it was true…I was terrified of school. I put on a lot of weight and I soon became depressed. I do not want sympathy from telling you my unpleasant experience, I know it’s selfish…to share all of these feelings with the people you love, it definitely isn’t fair on them even though they kept on telling me that it didn’t matter and all they wanted was for me to get better, but that really didn’t reassure me, the guilt built up inside of me until it was painful. It wasn’t a sudden change even though i felt like it was, I was unconsciously getting better even though I didn’t believe it at first. Since I stepped into the school I felt OK, everything was OK, my friends were all so excited to see me after messaging me online and sky-ping me for almost a year, I felt normal to be able to blend in with most of the kids there without being pointed out. Year 9 was a hard year, I lost a lot of friends. I’m in year 10 now and I sit with 3 people, the other table is filled with all the friends that were once a part in my life, the people who used to keep me positive.
Only now I realize I am struggling once again but this time with something which I thought would never arise as a problem, everyone seemed be so interested in me when I first came back into school but now the sympathy has died down. bearing in mind I had no education for a whole year, my ‘friends’ still continue to call me ‘stupid’. mostly this is because I have said something which is quite spontaneous and random, I get made fun of a lot, they say they’re joking, they say I should have some more common sense. One once told me ‘that’s as far as your vocabulary gets’ Once somebody dropped their drink and one friend told me to pick it up for her but I just sat there because I was nervous to go up to somebody that I didn’t know, just as I was about to, the person picked it up and my ‘friend’ shook her head and pulled her face at me just as if she was telling me that I was incapable of doing anything right. Today one said ‘you never pay attention’ and ‘even she understands this god!’ it’s funny because one friends opens up to me about having the same problem as me but she is okay to criticize me and she expects me to help her-which I have, I DO NOT make myself as bad as others, yes, I am guilty of going against this saying also known as ‘treat others how you want to be treated’ as sometimes it is very hard to do so, I am not a christian but I believe in making people happy, it’s what I love to do. Once I took my friends timetable home by mistake and she started swearing at me on messenger, I brushed it off at the time because I couldn’t believe how cold somebody could actually be-today she accused one of her old friends of swearing at her but she does the same? it confuses me more than anything. So now the question remains ‘is it me or is it them?’.
So that is it really. I hope that somebody can relate to this, it would be so nice for you to comment any questions or write your story on how you’re struggling at the moment with your life. I may only be young but trust me I feel much older than I actually am.
Thank you for reading x
Don’t forget to leave a comment down below:)
p.s-sorry for any spelling mistakes.